Warning: this is a mega-rant. You will need a cup of coffee, perhaps a cigarette and a sense of humor.
Disclaimer: I do not hate men.
I’ve been thinking for quite some time that the whole sexual revolution was a scam, a conspiracy. Once upon a time, men chased women. They worked hard to get our attention and keep it. They hustled. Now who’s doing the hustle? Who’s doing the dirty work?
Women.
Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, boys. Anyone under the age of fifty doesn’t know what it was like back in the day. I hear tell of the legends. Back when guys asked girls out on real dates, picked them up and took them out. They’d go to dinner, movies, or even–gasp!–dancing. It wasn’t out of the question to hope for a good-night smooch, but most of those guys were probably aware that they weren’t going to get much more than than on the first date, and that was okay.
Everyone was sexually frustrated, even though it wasn’t ladylike for a female to admit that she might just want to rip off her gloves and pull up her skirts to say, “Thanks for the steak dinner and the fox-trot, buddy!”
By the time I started “dating” in the early nineties, “dating” was kind of a thing of the past, and from what I can tell, it’s gone steadily downhill since. Instead of expressing interest in a girl by asking for her phone number and asking her out on a proper date, the rundown seems to be meeting in a social situation, possibly exchanging phone numbers and suggesting “hanging out sometime,” which is often followed up by drunken gropings. Now, I’m not saying that doesn’t sound like any fun at all, because a drunken grope can be one hell of a good time.
My point is, ever since it became the norm for women to do all the things men do, like work full time, forge careers in formerly male-dominated fields and making the first moves romantically, it’s just come to mean one thing: it’s easier for men to get laid and women to do the dirty work.
It’s a conspiracy, and I am here to expose it.
Going against the admitedly rigid social and sexual norms leading up to the 1960s included the advent of the birth control pill. Don’t get me wrong–I worshipped at the altar of the Pill for many years, grateful that I had not only regular periods, but regular consequence-free booty. I don’t even want to consider the long-term effects of jamming up my system with more hormones, though. I want to consider the consequences of giving men one less reason to give a shit about what happened after the fact.
Removing the fear of unwanted pregnancy broke the frigid spell in the 60s creating a global warming trend in the pants of daring women all over the Western world, giving them the “power” and “control” of choice. It made screwing around A-OK. Again, I’m not bagging on the A-OK-ness of freedom and choice, and I certainly don’t think the pill is a bad thing. It just opened the door for women to act like men in their sexual dealings.
Unfortunately, millions of years of evolution cannot be undone by a few generations of free and easy sex.
Newsflash, guys: that woman over there probably like sex just as much as you do. However, she may not view the aftermath in the same way you do. She may not want to marry you and have ten thousand babies with you, but if she fucked you, she probably likes you at least a little (unless it was the elusive hate-fuck–but that’s another blog for another day).
But it’s not just the men. I could find myself feeling sorry for men because, with women getting out there and being assertive and in control of their sexuality and social life, we might be sending mixed signals (I’m using the royal we. I’m married now, and my husband and I confound each other in a totally different way. But I was in there in the trenches for a good ten years).
The sexual revolution resulted in a total upheaval of gender roles. It’s on women now to decide how they’re going to transmit interest, make a connection and keep their needs and wants in line with they way they want to present themselves. Sure, there are scads of ladies who play the field like champions, wrack up the numbers like Wilt Chamberlain and love every second of it.
There are just as many women, though, who would rather have a “steady” boyfriend to get to know and love, though, and it’s getting tougher out there all the time as the Willhelmina Chamberlains are creating the illusion that the modern woman of today is just a sex-machine ready to devour all of the men in her path.
Books like “The Rules” or “He’s Just Not That Into You” and millions of other self-help books reflect what I’m ranting about here: we women are confused. We want to have social power and status, but when we meet someone we really like, we want to be wanted for more than just a casual–ugh, I’m going to use the awful phrase–”hook up”. Sure, lots of women like casual sex, too. Until she realizes she likes you. Then she wants formal sex. Confusing? Yes. Complicated? For sure.
No one knows what the rules and mores of sex and dating are anymore.
Let me illustrate my rant with a real-life episode from my friend’s life. She meets a guy at a party. They exchange numbers. They email, text and talk here and there. Instead of asking her out on a formal date, he suggests they “hang out” and go to the gym. That’s fine; he even picked her up. What a gent. After a few weeks of semi-flaky dating, she finally just out and asks him, “Where is this going?”
He hems and haws. He’s a busy guy, you see. And if she’s not cool with the non-dating variety of screwing around that they’re doing, well, maybe it’s just not in the cards.
She agrees wholeheartedly and, without rancor, signs off the conversation with a, “Sure. Well, see you around.”
He recently returned from a two-week vacation, and she dropped him an email to ask how it went. It bounced back to her undeliverable. He blocked her why? Because she wanted to know his intentions with her? Where their “relationship” was going? Does he perceive her as a bunny-boiler because she wasn’t going to make herself available on his terms or fade away like a good girl? Because she wanted to hear it from him?
Wow. What a psycho! Frankly, I’m proud of her for communicating her thoughts with this guy instead of just playing the “cool” card and letting him have his way unfettered and unquestioned. I’ve known her since we were kids and she simply does not do psycho, hysterical or even really pissed off (except one time when she got sick of me being a fucking bitch and threw keys at me–I totally deserved it).
I remember a time when I was single and I probably would have just dealt with being priority number four-hundred and fifty just because I liked a guy and had already slept with him. Better the devil you know, right? Bullshit. Because of the sexual revolution, women are expected to fuck like men and deal with the consequences like men–as in, sex is the end, not a means to creating intimacy.
Men, I don’t hate you. I love you. Men are wonderful and I am not blaming or hating on you at all. It’s the system I rant and rail against. It’s not set up to evolve smoothly with massive biological and social advances in a few generations. And as we women evolve into more aggressive creatures, it seems to be creating a bigger divide emotionally.
Furthermore, men, I don’t think you are emotionally-devoid sex-robots. Not in the least. I just think that men and women should both be more aware of what it is they’re looking for when they embark upon sexual relationships. And be more honest about those expectations.
If I could go back in time, I would have said to one particular guy who seemed to enjoy being my “friend with benefits” (I just puked in my mouth a little) and tell him, “Hey, listen, fuckwad–I want to be your girlfriend, and if you can’t deal with that, I’m going to take my slutty little ass home and cuddle with myself.” I just didn’t know better. Our arrangement was the norm in our social group. I didn’t think critically enough to question that norm. On certain levels, I knew the arrangement wasn’t for me, but I wasn’t brave enough to question it or, better yet, to drag up and have a threesome with Ben and Jerry in the comfort of my own apartment instead.
In conclusion, women, make men work for that pussy. Sure, you may want the sex just as bad, but if you’re not sure if the aftermath is going to be pretty, it might not be worth it. (Where was this voice of wisdom six years ago?) Unless, of course, you want to be a fuck-buddy. In that case, do what you want. And men, be honest from the very start if you aren’t in the market for more than casual sex. We know you don’t want to hurt our feelings and make us cry. That’s why you lie your asses off. So, just man up and say, “I’ll fuck you, baby, but you’re not going to be my girlfriend.”
There are a lot of really good guys out there that don’t know what the hell to make of us modern women, all assertive and powerful and in control. Guess what, guys–we’re as confused as you. It might just be that we wear our confusion in a very sexy and intimidating way. Maybe it’s the shy, sweet ones who will save the day and turn the revolution into evolution.
I was just thinking about this today actually from a male perspective. I am going to give you a rebuttal from a male’s point of view if you don’t mind.
All of this information is sure to prove useful someday when I get past the stage where I give girls a note that says “Do you like me?” and gives them a Yes or No checkbox.
-M
Wow I thought I was the only one who left those in the strippers g-strings.
River, I look forward to reading your rebuttal. And your comment to Mitchell’s comment made me bust a gut laughing.
Mitchell, that approach is a lot more direct than what I hear most guys are up to these days.
N
in my very recent experience, i was “asked out” by a guy from work who told me “i know you want me to pull your hair and spank you and that you want to do filthy things to me. can i call you on friday?” no shit. this was via email, by the way. so i replied, “i know you’ve been jacking off all day (possibly for days even months or MAYBE even a year) thinking about me and that you’ve finally worked up the balls to tell me that you want to fuck me, but i do have a boyfriend. not that your romantic notions aren’t appreciated. see you at work.” so now what happens when i see him at work? do you think i should let him pull my hair and spank me? stick his dick in me? i was thinking about it. ha ha.
is this dating in 2008? what the fuck? thank god i’m not single.
Nora, I loved your rant and it is totally true. I think it has just become my default to hook up (and many others), because well I don’t want to be priority 450 on a long list…and if you just float about — it is less risky to get hurt and you protect yourself from over attaching yourself even if you really do want to settle down and get to know someone. And, I am just as guilty as the counterpart, because often which comes with age, I have just as many priorties — I have work, bill to pay, friends and family — and I am not sure that I want a serious commitment to try to add to the balance of everything else. Okay, I know this isn’t the most polished reply, but I think you get my idea.
First of all, River, your rebuttal is well-put. It’s a mutually disagreeable environment for relationships right now–across the board. I recommend all readers click on the link below the comments and check out River’s take on how the sexual revolution has screwed up relating to the opposite sex for men, too.
Hey, Sadie–that’s what you get for being a sexy, unattainable bitch. (Readers, I know Sadie–she is sexy and quite unavailable–and is ONLY a bitch when provoked. She’s cool as the other side of the pillow). While I’m inclined to think he must have been totally high to think that approach would work, something tells me that IS an acceptable “mating call” in today’s dating world, and he probably thought he had a shot. Oy. God, you have to tell us what happens when you see him at work the next time.
And Jenny, I hear you, sister. Your reply makes perfect sense and I can totally relate. If I weren’t married I’d be in the same situation. And speaking of being married, guess who did the approaching? That’s right–me. If I hadn’t made the first move, I would probably still be in the dating pool. The part where everybody pees, too, I bet.
I think, though, with the risk of getting hurt, that’s where really living comes in. I’m so proud of my friend–I shall call her Lady–for approaching her last dating situation honestly. Instead of going along with the shitty program, she asserted herself and made her preferences known. Sure, the dude is a douche, but she found out sooner than later.
Love and emotional connections are high risk in some ways, but the rewards can be pretty fucking fabulous. Knowing when to roll the dice and when to be conservative is the trick. And I have a feeling that luck comes into play, too, big time.
N
Wow, that is my life, literally. Well said Nora. Does this mean I need to magically become shy – or just throw my keys more often?
Hey, C in C, your new nickname is Lady.
I think you had a major breakthrough in the way you dealt with Dick. I saw the email thread. You were cool and laid-back like you always are, but the difference this time is that you were very direct in your wants and needs. He couldn’t comply and that was that. I think you gained a lot of power in that situation, and the next time you meet a guy you like, you should maintain that attitude.
If I were ever to find myself single again, I won’t be playing like I want to be casual if I don’t just to appear cooler than I actually am. I would like to think I would be adult enough to say what I want, ask if the other party could deal with that, and be grown up enough to walk away rather than compromise myself. Hopefully.
Again, click the link at the bottom and read River’s post. He says a mouthful. It’s good to see a man’s perspective. And it’s good to see a representative for “real men” out there.
N
What I’m getting out of this rant is that women want to go back to the old days of sitting there and waiting for the guy to come up to them. I have no problem with that. That’s fine. However, speaking as a guy that gets shot down a lot (I mean A LOT!), there are only so many times that we can get that ugh look as a girl rolls her eyes as if to say, “Who do you think you are? I’m much to good looking to be hit on by you.” Or the girl that acts nice but gives that just get away from me look. I’m not saying that men are right and women are wrong, far from it. I just think that many men (myself included) are just gun shy. I mean how many times can is someone going to get kicked in the nuts (figuratively) before they just give up and go home. I’ve seen women that I would like to talk to, but then the whole scenario plays out in my head where I go up to her, she blows me off, I leave dejected, sit in the corner of the bar for a while, go home and cry while masturbating to a bootleg copy of Embrace of the Vampire – you know the one where in the Japanese version Alyssa Milano is naked and makes out with another chick..anyone else?…No?…Just me then?….Perhaps I’ve said too much. Well, that’s just my opinion (fueled by years of rejection and apathy). I’m going to go home now and spend some quality time with a box of kleenex and my DVD player.
Later
-R
Ratherto, I really don’t have any answers. And I think there are just as many girls that feel shit on by the opposite sex. Except they get laid. I know it seems like they’re making out in the deal, but believe me–having sex with a dude that doesn’t give a shit about shit ain’t that fun. AND there’s the crappy aftermath to consider, too.
Not that I have ANY experience with stuff like that. Hah. Sorry, Mama G (my mother in-law–she’s awesome. But smart. I don’t think she’s going to buy that disclaimer).
I hear you, though, R. Rejection is a daunting prospect. It hurts and makes putting your heart out there seem like it isn’t worth it. But how else are we going to be human? And connect with other people?
I think a lack of consideration occurs universally with the sexes. Any girl who makes you feel like an asshole for finding her attractive is a bitch. And any guy who thinks it’s ok to treat a girl like nothing but a fuck–even if she’s “cool” with just having sex–is a beat-off.
There are always going to be those women who for whatever reason think they deserve the George Clooney,or who ever is on the cover of HOT MAN mag. They have spent more time on their looks(which are going to fade anyway) than they have on developing a personality. These plastic chicks have been around forever,and will continue til the end of time. Do you really want to waste your time on some one who wont even look at you? there are a lot of women who feel the same as you,Ratherto,and no one wants to take the time to talk to them….and God knows, there might be an iota of intelligence in them,which could lead to conversation, laughter,and maybe more.Just go up to the next woman you see and say Hi…if she gives you THAT look just turn away and be glad you didn’t have to invest any time in a shallow bitch!
Hey, Mommy. I agree, BUT I have to remind you there are plenty of shallow men who have gone beyond far beyond the macho and have pulled a 180. These guys feel entitled to only the prettiest and most perfect of women, they want to resemble them, too. If you read River’s blog, he mentions the metrosexual. These prettified men are a mutation. They groom themselves as meticulously as the plastic women you mention above. The best we can hope for is that the shallow plastic women and metrosexual men in-breed themselves right out of the gene pool.
Sure, being attracted to someone is key. But when our society places a premium on superficial bullshit–and I mean way beyond a little make up and hitting the gym, I mean total surgical overhauls–it becomes accepted, normal and then almost … demanded. It’s up to us to decide how much of that bullshit we’re going to put our stock into.
N
This is a wonderful conversation/debate….
I have to echo Mitchell’s thought’s on this whole issue. This is not just a matter of men and women, relationships and hooking up….. there are so many different factors in today’s world that all come into play here, it’s all tied together.
By the way, I’m the guy who still listens to cassettes in his car, even as compact discs are becoming obsolete. So don’t put much stock in my ramblings, I’m completely out of touch.
Like Nora, my “dating” life began in the early 90’s. That doesn’t seem like along time ago, but damn if it isn’t a whole new world out there now. I know that every generation talks about how much different things were in “their day.” But I can argue that folks in my age bracket have been impaled on a fencepost between two completely different worlds, more so than any of the other post WWII generations. I know that the initial instinct of anybody more than 10 years older than me will be to roll their eyes at that last statement. (For the record, I’m 32) But the fact is, the world I was raised in is actually much closer to that which my parents were raised in than it is to the world that exists now. There are generation gaps, for sure. But those gaps between the folks who are now in their 30’s, 40’s, 50’s, and 60’s really only exist as it relates to
clothing, music, which drugs we preffered, and a few social norms. But at the end of the day we all grew up in a world where there were televisions, radios, cars, everybody had a phone on the wall in their kitchen, and we went to schools and learned from textbooks. Sure I dressed different and my music was a little louder, but the fundamental aspects of human functioning wasn’t that far off than it was when my parents grew up. Now, only 14 years after I graduated from high school, teenagers have telephones in their pockets. And those phone in their pockets aren’t just for phone calls either, they can also watch television on them, or go out onto the web and look up anything that we used to have to go the library for. They have fucking cars that talk and parellel park by themselves!!!
(I know I seem off topic, but I swear I’m going somewhere with this…)
I was in in the last group of folks to be raised and educated in the world the way it used to be, a world that wasn’t completely wired and constantly connected. I graduated high school in 1994, and not too long after that the world accelerated into mach speed. The sudden advancement of technology in such a short period of time not only changed the way we live and work, but also the way we interact with one another – as friends, co-workers, and especially as women and men in the “dating” world.
I have been guilty of “hook ups.” Lord knows I’ve had too many short-lived relationships. Is it because I’m a jerk? No, not at all. It’s because I moved too fast. I believe in getting to know somebody, becoming friends, going out on some dates, having that feeling of butterflies in your stomach every time you see them, and spending enough time with them to get an idea of whether or not a relationship might work. BUt you know what??? Nobody seems to have any time for that anymore. And I hate it! But what am I going to do? EVERYTHING IN OUR WORLD MOVES FAST NOW. Most of the time I feel like I can either play by the rules of today’s society, or I can be left in the dust. I’ll be like my friend Jim who still thinks “this whole internet thing is just a fad.”
Now, this doesn’t mean that I have have a “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” kind of attitude, and just go around town every night picking up chicks. That’s not the case at all. But if I do meet someone I’m attracted to, I do feel pressure to move fast, or else I’ll miss my chance. But in moving fast, you don’t have anytime to figure out if it really is a good match. Then you find yourself dating somebody, and three weeks later you realize, while laying in bed with them, that you have absolutely nothing in common with this person next to you. It sucks.
Hey, you know what else sucks??? Have you ever heard the term “THE FRIEND ZONE.” “Dude, you’re hanging out with her too much and getting to know her too well. Once you enter the friend zone, she’ll never want to get with you.” Now normally I get annoyed when other guys give me that kind of advice. BUt most of the time it’s true. Seriously, it seems like so many girls only want to fuck guys they don’t know that well. There have been a few times over the years where I’ve been attracted to somebody and I try to play it the right way by getting to know them. Then you get this one – “I was really into you when we first met… but now we’ve become such good friends, and I don’t want to ruin that.” I think that is the most ass-backwards shit in the world. I want my lover to be my best friend. I WANT TO FUCK MY MY BEST FRIEND, DAMNIT!!! But I gues shit doesn’t work that way anymore.
This world moves too fast for me. I want to stop and smell the roses sometimes, but now even the roses move so fast that, if you want to smell them, you can’t stop. That’s why I’m a 32 year old slut. I don’t want to be. I’m a pathetic, sappy, old fashioned romantic at heart. I want to meet the right girl, and I want to spend enough time with her to know she’s the right girl. I want to go out on real dates, a bunch of them. I want there to be so much tension built up before the first kiss, that when it finally happens it’s like an explosion of awesomeness. (Sorry, it’s late and I couldn’t think of a better word.) I want want to drive around in my car with her, because that’s the only place with a cassette deck where she can listen to the mixtape that I made her. But I’m starting to think that if that girl is out there, she probably doesn’t have time for all of that stuff anyway. WHo does anymore?
Andrew,
I graduated seven years after you, and I feel the same. Well put.
“THE FRIEND ZONE.” is the bane of my existence. It’s a trap I’ve fallen into far too many times. I suppose I should just adjust my methods to avoid it, but, damnit, it should be an issue. There should be nothing wrong with wanting to be friends with someone before you move on to a sexual relationship. You’re right, though, there are a lot of girls out there that only want to fuck guys they don’t know well.
“I don’t want to ruin this,” they say.
That’s like saying “I don’t want to put any toppings on this ice cream.”
Don’t be fucking ridiculous.
I don’t understand it.
-M
Who are these women, or should I say girls, who prescribe to “the friend zone?” That’s crap. If you get a line “I don’t want to ruin this,” it’s on par with a man saying “I don’t have enough time for a serious relationship,” I guess it all breaks down to they’re not that into you. And honestly it sounds like everyone commenting on this has the best intentions, so yet again, I guess it goes back to location and timing.
Hot damn. Andy, you said a mouthful and I think you’re right on. And Mitchell, I think the phenomenon of PEOPLE, (not just girls) feeling more comfortable fucking people they don’t know comes down to how terrified everyone seems to be of real intimacy. And I don’t discount myself in that phenomenon.
I wonder if that’s because when you really do reach that level of closeness with someone, the fact is, you will eventually lose them. Whether it’s due to a sudden heart attack after fifty years of marriage or after they decide they want to boink the comptroller at the office three months into the relationship, we will lose the people we love.
Mitchell, you mentioned the instant gratification society we live in. Maybe that’s a contributing factor to the pattern of fuck and run that seems to be the norm today. I mean, look at speed dating. No one wants to put the time and effort into getting through shitty times with a romantic partner when the “real” thing, that perfect relationship might be around the corner. Why else would divorce rates be just about 50/50?
I really don’t have any answers. In fact, these questions are just making me ask myself more questions, which kind of sucks, because I was really looking forward to pretending like I wasn’t as confused as everyone else because I’m married.
Heh. That’s like saying, “I’m cool! I’m a confirmed Catholic, so I’m all up to date on the afterlife, and I know everything there is to know about spirituality. Don’t mind me, I’m just going to sit here smug!”
At least we’re calling attention to the problem. It might not seem as big a deal as war or global warming, but if we’re just becoming more isolated emotionally, the fabric of society is just going to further unravel and humanity won’t accomplish jack shit.
Nora
*Author’s note: I am not a confirmed Catholic. But it seemed like a decent metaphor.
Comptroller? Really?
Later
-R
I agree with Andy and Mitch. The friend zone is a bitch. There is nothing worse than seeing someone you are lusting (I say lust because love takes time, lust is instant) after fuck other people and then bitch to you about it. While all this is going on, you just have to sit there, be a good friend, and nod. What you want to do is grab them by the shoulders and shake them while you scream.”What the fuck are you doing with this cockbite! I love you and won’t be an asshole! What the fuck is your problem!”
A lot of this seems to stem from people having low self esteem. Why else would a woman put up with an abusive relationship when there is someone right around the corner waiting for them. “I can’t leave him. I love him and he promised not to hit me in the face anymore.” Men are not excluded from this either. I know many guys who think that they won’t get anyone else, so they’ll put up with a uberbitch. “Yeah, I know I said I’d go to the game with you all but she said I couldn’t cause she has to go out with her friends.”
The worst of these (I’m not making light of domestic violence – far from it- but sometimes emotional pain has longer lasting effects than physical pain) applies to both. Those are the ones who stay with significant ( or insignificant) others who cheat on them. I can’t understand the reason behind this. Sometimes they think that they won’t be able to find anyone else. Sometimes they think that once the other gets it out of their system they will be faithful. Well that’s all bullshit. More times than not the proverb “Once a cheater always a cheater” holds true. This also goes for all of you who are the “other” woman or man. If that person cheated on their significant other, what makes you think that they’ll treat you any different when you are the significant other?
Well that’s all for now. I know that I ranted a lot but I needed to vent.
Later
-R
R-money, you’re reflecting themes that run through Mitchell’s and River’s posts: respect. That includes self-respect. The value we place on ourselves and each other is slim. Why is that? I’m sure we can blame the media, but really it comes down to personal choice. Just because ideas and concepts are jammed down our throats by mass-media outlets, it doesn’t mean we have to buy into it. Thinking critically is a skill that seems to go hand in hand with respect. Just blindly consuming and accepting shit results in feeling powerless and shitty.
Just a thought.
As for watching people you love do stupid things in the NAME of love and relationships–it’s really hard, even for a friend. But when you love someone and know you could do a better job of caring for someone, that’s the worst frustration, isn’t it?
Ratherto,
You my Caucasian, bro.
Keep speaking the gospel.
-M
I think a lot of what has been going on in society has to do with basic self respect,and a value system which has been severely scewered. Quite a lot of you grew up in homes where there were both parents working(and some because they had to),and the day to day constraints were not always in place, and an emphasis on the dollar was very evident.We can get what we want now instead of waiting for “it”. If you don’t have someone to tell you, or show you that you are of value,just because you are YOU,and you see how characters in the media are portrayed,where there are very seldom any gross consequences,then you won’t be able to make judgements on any level that benefits you as an adult,and you will become one of those “Its”
So much today is INSTANT. We get the news instantly,we get our food at drive thrus instantly,we even get our money out of a box on the wall instantly.So why not our sex,which should not be confused with love. It goes back to values,and if you, for whatever reason do not value yourself,then you fall into the Instsnt Gratification column.Mitchell hit a very salient point when he metioned it.Like the commercial where they sing…”I want it all,and I want it now”..it may be a bit of subliminal advertising that transcends to our daily lives
Sometimes we allow our peers to dictate how we should comport ourselves,and unless they have a standard that you value,don’t be led astray. The popularity factor isn’t about how many hook-ups you have,it’s about how you feel about yourself the next day,and would you be embarrassed to have coffee with your parents and talk about last nite.
To Andy I say….keep your cassette tapes blaring,she’s out there just waiting to hear your next mix.
To Ratherto,maybe bars aren’t the answer…tho if you try the grocery store do not get in my way as I knock down aisle blockers!
To any one else,man or woman…look at yourself in the mirror and remember that you are someone who should be respectd,so act that way.
The only things that should be hooked up are coats,dogs and bras!
Hi, Mommy
You said:
The popularity factor isn’t about how many hook-ups you have,it’s about how you feel about yourself the next day,and would you be embarrassed to have coffee with your parents and talk about last nite.
I know I embarrassed myself more than once while living with you guys, but I could still talk to you and dad over coffee. You can’t make someone respect themselves, but you can love them anyway, and hope they get a clue eventually. At least, I guess that’s what you do if you’re a nice mommy.
How come we can identify a lack of self-respect in other people and find it so hard to understand why people treat themselves and other people so badly when we’re just as shitty to ourselves? And then we try to make ourselves feel better with junk food–literal and figurative?
It doesn’t work, does it?
Although a Krispy Kreme sounds sooooooo good right now. And a Parliament light. And a sugar free Red Bull….
Nora,
I think you & your Mom hit the nail square on the head. Most of these problems in the above replies have to deal with a general lack of self respect.
I can honestly admit, I don’t respect myself. If I did I would take better care of myself. I’d eat better, cut down on drinking(not totally – I’m not nuts), and quit smoking (and stop touching myself so much..I think I may have a problem-but that is a topic for another time).
You hook up with willing participants because for a brief moment in time they make you feel good about yourself. Then it passes and you feel like chewing off your arm to get away from them.
Now I have been guilty of this in the past, but only once. I still feel bad about it even though society tells me that it’s okay for a guy to act like that. I think we could all learn a thing or two from Mitchell’s post when he said, “I like to bust a nut as much as the next guy, but I’ll be seeing to that myself before I wet my wang in a bitch as shallow as a puddle of my spit.” If we just learned to get to know each other a little better, we would be better off. And you may just find someone who you truly love and can’t live without.
That being said, even if you love someone, sometimes they don’t love you back. It’s just a fact. It sucks balls, but it happens. These relationships are doomed from the start. You can’t make someone love you (I know, I’ve tried).
Also, there are the ones you love with all your heart and soul and everything is great. Until they go completely bat-shit crazy. I have been on the receiving end of this more often than not.
There is no one answer for any of this. The only thing I can say to everybody is this: Treat each other well, and we will ALL be better off.
Later
-R
It’s hard to account for reciprocated love and bat-shit crazy when looking for a companion because they can crop up out of nowhere, Ratherto, there’s no doubt about that.
But there would certainly be less incidents of failed relationships if so many of them didn’t spur from “hey, I think I’ll nail this girl/guy,” move on to “hey, I think I’ll continue to nail this girl/guy,” and end up at “how in the hell did I get stuck with this girl/guy?”
Think about what’s going to happen when the next generation asks this one “how did you and mom meet?”
“Well, son, I had drank me about 15 Jagerbombs, and your mom was on the stage showing off her thong to anybody that would look. So I says to myself ‘I think I might want to fornicate with that there young lady.’ And that’s how we met. You were born nine months later. Six weeks after that we were married, and a year after that we were divorced.”
How romantic.
-M
I’d prefer to meet my future Mrs. Ratherto from a Girls Gone Wild Video. There’s a love that will last forever. HA!
Later
-R
Dang. You guys are killing it. For real. I’m sitting here with Slippy Olter and my cousin, code name Whitney Houston (WH) and we’re discussing the whole magilla.
We need a new sexual revolution. It should start here at SWC.
For the record, Slippy wants to know why she never meets you guys out there. Well, she’s best friends with Ratherto, so he doesn’t count. And Mitchell lives in Kansas. But we’re calling all you decent fellas out there: make yourselves known.
More later–I’m visiting with the ladies.
N
If I knew where to meet girls looking for guys like me, I’d be there.
-M
I know where to meet girls looking for guys like me, but I can’t bring my beer to AA meetings.
Wow, I mised a lot of discussion in twenty-four hours, but you are all right. Cline, thank you for more eloquently putting into words exactly what I was thinking about the world moving so fast and we are ingrained with this idea that we have to keep up or we are going to miss our golden ticket.
Rathert – you started to steal my rant on why you never fall in love with the married man or women, but I will hopefully have that finished by this weekend.
Mitchell – I swear the only guys like you are on this blog.
And everyone else, this is very enlightening!
As for the friend zone, i blame the media on that perception. Think about movies, fairy tales and all the other bullshit that young women are bombarded with daily. Disney forces princesses down our throat and not that I am all against them, because some do have their own ideas and thoughts (such as Belle and Ariel), but the majority of them are waiting for their prince to come and rescue them with their magical kiss. It isn’t waiting for the best friend to come talk them down off an irrational rant that has them screaming and throwing things around the room.
Not that I am blaming the entertainment industry, I myself will catch myself totally becoming intrigued with at mindless “chick flick,” but at the end of the day I do realize that this isn’t reality and the excitement fades. The best advice my father ever gave me was that you marry your friend. Relationships go in waves – sometimes you can’t have enough of them, sometimes you don’t want to ever touch them; but if you friends atleast you can talk through the times when you don’t want them near you and then its more enjoyable for the times you can’t have enough of them or something to that effect, but none the less I am thankful for that perspective, because I have waited 32 years and at this point I see no point in settling.
Damn straight, Slippy. On all counts–well, except for the only good guys being on this blog. They’re out there. But you’ve hit on something–we’re all programmed by the bullshit we take in from the media.
I know–you can’t blame the media. We need to think critically about the messages that creep into and shape our consciousness. But I don’t think it’s too late to take Mr. Olter’s kick ass advice, to marry your friend. Sure, it doesn’t sound that sexy, but the reality is like you say. Relationships, well, at least long term ones, have peaks and valleys. At least if you’re in it with your friend, you can talk about what’s going on.
I don’t think people would have to settle–or FEEL like they’re settling, if we could talk to each other about things that made us uncomfortable. But no one wants to hurt feelings or sound like an asshole. Well, I guess I shouldn’t speak for everyone. I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or sound like an asshole. I do it anyway sometimes, because it has to be done.
But weigh in, people–isn’t it easier sometimes just to ride the wave with your mouth shut and not say what needs saying in order to avoid a scene or hurt feelings? And does that not sometimes result in a less than authentic connection?
Darling Nora….
First off I have to say….self help articles in women’s magazines are shit logs of the devil…and no self-respecting woman should ever read those….besides, those ragmags are for men anyhow…to throw them off our scent to better understanding us…..heh
Secondly, I have to agree on many of your points made……especially the sad realization that the
old fashioned dating scene is dangerously close to extinction and subsequently being replaced by the cheapasspunk procedures of hookingup/hangingout/comeover&dome …this is just one of the reasons why i have a hand held shower massage….i call it Bob by the way…
But I have to share with you something that I’ve discovered in my singlenessdom….and it may be a west coast thang, or the men I attract….but it seems to have gone from one extreme to another in my world… on one side you have the “dating makes me feel like i’m being smothered” guy to the “how many kids do you want and would you ever buy a mini van?” guy…usually that guy asks those questions after the first session of heavy petting or almost sex…
i admit i used to go for those overly confident and somewhat cocky guys (bad boys bad boys whatchagonnado)…and I would be hopeful that he’d recognize me for the diva that I was and treat me accordingly….
When I saw that wasn’t worth my effort I attracted the guy that was ready to be exclusive after the first “date”….ugh…where the hell is that cake and when the hell can I eat it??
It is a lot of work…this relationship thing….sex is easy…any woman can have sex when/if she wants it……but anything beyond sex…..is exhausting….I’m thinking of taking a lesbian class….do you suppose that’s less complicated??