Well, you’re in for a treat, gentlepeople. Tonight I’m interviewing … oh … Juliette Lewis. OK, well, tonight you’re in for something. Here we go.
Mitchell: Good evening, Juliette, what’s up?
Juliette: Good.
Mitchell: Right … so, you’ve been in movies, huh?
Juliette: Yeah, I played the retarded character in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?.
Mitchell: I thought Leonardo DiCaprio played the retarded character.
Juliette: No, I did.
Mitchell: Actually, I’m positive Leo did. I’ve seen the movie several times.
Juliette: One time I ate a bug.
Mitchell: That’s amazing. Who has been your biggest influence as an actress?
Juliette: Well, every time I get a part in a movie, I just ask myself “How would Molly Ringwald do this part?”
Mitchell: Molly Ringwald on a bottle of vodka?
Juliette: What?
Mitchell: Huh?
Juliette: …
Mitchell: So … Natural Born Killers was pretty badass.
Juliette: Was it? I heard it was good.
Mitchell: …
Juliette: Did I ever tell you about the time I ate a bug?
Mitchell: I heard you’re in a band …
Juliette: Yeah. It’s called Juliette and the Licks.
Mitchell: I saw you play Letterman. I really never knew music could make me bleed rectally.
Juliette: I’m a real good singer.
Mitchell: Right. Well, that concludes your interview. Now I’m going to kindly ask security to get this nasty piece of trash out of my office.
I hate my life.
Well, she was even more difficult than Karita Mattila, wasn’t she?
N
If music doesn’t make you bleed rectally, someone’s not doin it right.